Endurance

These past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster.  Some days are good, some days are bad, but to be honest, recently I've had some of the hardest yet.

For some reason, even though no doctor ever gave me any indication of this, I never really thought my son would be in the hospital this long.  We've always been told, "Usually babies need to stay until around their due date."  But I have heard so many stories, and seen so many other babies come and go, that I thought, "Surely he will be coming home the first or second week of January."  On the good days, I would try to calculate the day he might be coming home.  On the bad days, I would think he wasn't making any progress at all.  But I never really thought he would be in the hospital this long.  Not really.  At first, the hope was that he would be home for Christmas.  Then, maybe by the end of the year.  Then, hoping he would be home for my birthday (January 9th).  One by one, I had to come to terms with the fact that he would not make any of these dates.

And now?  Well, now I am not even sure if he will be home by his due date (January 30th).  It's too soon to tell I suppose, but I will not be surprised if he doesn't make that date either.

But it's ok.  Because I am learning endurance.

en-dur-ance : noun; the ability or strength to continue to last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina.

James 1:3-4 states, "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  Every trial I face allows me to build endurance.  Allows me to grow closer to God, and learn greater dependence on Him.  I've known this, but as I have been studying this passage over the past few days, I'm beginning to understand it better.

I was driving home the other day, after a particularly hard night at the hospital, and I began to pray and meditate on this passage.  I was so frustrated that my son was still in the hospital, with seemingly no end in sight.  I was so tired of going through all the "what if's."  So tired of thinking he was getting closer to coming home, only to be disappointed.  Suddenly, it was as if I "got it."  I felt like God was saying, "Bethany, how can you learn endurance if you never face anything you have to endure?"  You see, I have spent so much time focusing on "when will he come home, when will he finally come home?" that I have not been fully submitting to God's timing.  I've tried, and I've prayed, but have not truly allowed myself to give all the worrying and planning over to God.  Not completely, anyway.

So how much longer will we have to endure?  I don't know.  But I have a peace in my heart that I had not fully felt before.  No more wrestling with God over what His plan is, or what I think it should be.  No more attempting to calculate when this journey will end based on my preferences and my timing.  No, just patiently enduring, waiting on the Lord.  Praising Him for this season of trial and growth, a season that I have never known before.

"He put a new song in my mouth,
   a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
   and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:3