Still Learning

If I began to list all the many many lessons I learned during the three months my son was in the hospital, I would go on and on and on.  But one lesson that was particularly challenging, especially considering the lengthy duration of our stay, was learning not to compare. 

With so many babies, both premature and full-term, surrounding us in the NICU, it was always easy to compare my son to another.  I will never forget having this very conversation with one of the nurses our second day in the hospital.  I was gazing at some of the other babies, and she quickly came over and began to remind me that my baby was an individual and not necessarily facing the same kinds of difficulties as other babies.  "Don't let other babies or other parents upset you.  Just because one baby struggles with something does not mean that your baby will."  Even though this was the furthest thing from my mind at that moment, I must have looked worried or anxious, and she wanted to quickly reassure me. 

Although I understood what she was saying, and appreciated her concern, I never really had trouble with this kind of comparison.  Just the opposite, in fact.  The longer our stay became, the more I began to look around and see all the babies doing "better" than my son.  The more babies that came and went while we sat and waited.  And after about 13 or so, I lost count of the number of babies who were our NICU neighbors, only to move on and go home.  It got harder and harder to stay positive as we waited and waited, and sometimes felt like we weren't making any progress at all.   And as unhealthy and unnecessary as it was, there were inevitably those moments when I would look at a baby younger or smaller than my sweet son and feel frustrated that they were already going home, while we had no end in sight. 

Reminding myself that my son was a totally unique individual, fearfully and wonderfully made exactly as God planned and intended became a daily occurrence.  Even though I knew, knew for a fact, that comparing his progress to other babies was completely irrational and absolutely did not help me cope one single bit, I still did it!  Again and again I had to catch myself, and ask God to forgive me for not trusting in His plan for my son.  God knew before my son was even born what kinds of health problems he would face (and overcome) and how long it would take.  And in His good and perfect timing, when he would be ready to come home.

So now that he is home with his family, you would think this would all be behind me.  You would think that by now this would be a lesson learned and I could check it off the list.  Unfortunately, I am a slow learner and this is one I am still learning each and everyday.  Although my son is doing fantastic, I now find myself comparing him to other four month olds.  "Is he as big as so and so yet?  How come they can do that, but he can't?  She's so much younger, yet already doing such and such!"

And so the battle continues.  I am constantly reminding myself that I absolutely cannot expect him to be exactly where other four month olds are in size and development.  But as a mom, it absolutely breaks my heart to think he is not "where he should be."  The thing is, he is his own person, who has faced more in his short four months of life than some adults, and so he will grow and develop at his own pace.  And of course, I love him exactly the way that he is. 

So I am hoping and praying that with the Lord's help I will learn this lesson, and move on.  I would never EVER want my children to think that I don't think they are "good enough" or "smart enough" or "strong enough."  Who knows, maybe I am the only mother to think these thoughts.  But at least I am aware of it and working on it, right?  And maybe one day I will have learned this lesson once and for all.