A Break

Today....I took a break.

A break from a long day at the hospital.

A break from the sterile pumping cubicles.

A break from cafeteria food.

A break from long talks with nurses.

A break from watching the numbers on the monitor.

A break from that heart wrenching moment when I know that I cannot stay any longer, and have to lay my son back in his bed, and go home for the day.

Instead, I slept in, ran errands, ate lunch with my daughter, and did normal, everyday things.  It was a pretty boring day, mundane really, and I loved it.  And as a bonus, my husband and father-in-law got our daughter's room painted a beautiful, soft, girly pink! It looks fabulous and I can't wait to decorate! 

But don't worry, I still checked in on our sweet boy, and he had a good day.  Nothing really has changed (other than his weight, 3 lb. 7 oz. YAY!), so we just continue to wait.  Although, he is holding his own temperature now, so they can dress him and leave his bed open (he used to be enclosed so that the bed could stay warm in order to keep him warm).  So I was very excited to get all his tiny, preemie sized clothes washed and up to the hospital so that he can wear his own clothes now.  Because I know he was incredibly concerned about that.  

And, I thought I would share some more pictures with you, because I know how much you love to see pictures of my babies.  You're welcome.

 

 

 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a tricky thing.  Easy to say, but hard to do.  You know, and really mean it.  It's something we strive for (hopefully), but how do you know when you have really forgiven someone?  And what if you feel like they don't really deserve forgiveness in the first place? 

Well, I have a few thoughts on this thing called forgiveness today (for several reasons, but mostly because that's what was preached on in church this morning), and so I thought I would share.  You know, because you're just dying for my opinion.

I guarantee you have been hurt by someone at some point in your life.  Well, me too.  Sometimes, I get mad, then I get over it.  Simple enough.  But sometimes, I just cannot get over it, no matter how hard I try.  All the feelings just keep bubbling up, and I continually play the moment over and over again in my mind, and I think of all the things I wish I had said/still want to say.  In the quiet moments, when I am by myself, lost in my thoughts, the hurt and resentment comes out and I find myself sitting there, stewing in anger.  That is how I know I have not truly forgiven.  How I know I have yet to move past whatever offense was done or said against me.  How I know I need to go to the Father, and work through my feelings, and finally forgive.

You see, there are several reasons why I should forgive, rather than harboring such hurt and pain.  If you are a child of God, then you know what true forgiveness is.  God has forgiven me for more than I can bear to admit, and yet I stubbornly refuse to forgive someone else of so much less?  Romans 5:8 tells us that God loves us so much, He was willing to forgive us, die for us, while we were still sinners.  I personally offended the God of the entire universe with my sinfulness, and yet, He forgives me.  Therefore, when someone does something that, quite frankly, pales in comparison, surely I should be able to forgive them (Col. 3:13).

Besides the fact that we should be willing to forgive because we ourselves have been shown such tremendous forgiveness, we should forgive because it hurts us more not to.

"Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
         Do not fret—it only causes harm." Psalm 37:8   

We have all been there.  Angry and hurt, while the person who hurt us is completely clueless, and is going on with their life as if nothing happened.  Although there may be a part of our selfish human hearts that wants to believe we are "getting back at them" with our bitterness and resentment, they have no idea they even hurt us in the first place.  And although it may be easier to ignore the hurt, and pretend like we have moved on, we are only hurting ourselves more in the process, and probably those around us as well.

This may all sound well and good, but how does one actually go about forgiving someone? Forgiving the truly painful hurts that run so deep?  Well, we discussed some practical steps this morning that I would like to share:

1.  Reveal my hurt.  Admit that something someone did hurt you.  Write a list of the offenses.  Talk about it if you need to.  Don't pretend nothing is wrong, or act like their actions didn't hurt.  It's ok to feel hurt.  You have to be able to admit that before you can move on. 

2.  Release the offender.  Once you have let out (out loud or on paper) what has hurt you, you have to release the offender.  Forgive.  Allow yourself to move on.  Make things right with that person.  

3.  Replace the hurt with God's peace.  This is very important.  Don't let your heart be filled with anger or malice or resentment, but instead be filled with the peace of God (Col. 3:15).  A peace that can only come from God.     

I hope you will strive to live each day at peace with everyone in your life, and not let anger and bitterness build up.  God has much better plans for you than that!   

My Babies

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  And although we were not technically all together, we were all at the hospital.  We took turns watching our daughter and visiting our baby boy.

She played...

and explored...

and was very patient as we wished her brother a happy Thanksgiving.

Our little boy is doing well.  He seemed to enjoy his pacifier, and although the nurses and doctors have told me that he doesn't know how to suck and swallow yet, trust me, he was sucking on that paci! 

He is now gaining weight well, and up to 3 pounds, 4 ounces.  They had increased his feedings to 30 ml every three hours, but he was having some trouble with reflux (spitting up his food, etc.).  So just when we've gotten used to his schedule and worked out a schedule of our own, they change his.  Of course.  To help with the reflux, he is now on continuous feeds, meaning they feed him 10 ml of milk every hour, all day long.  But that's ok.  It is definitely helping him keep his food down, and helps him keep his oxygen saturation up.     

The nurses have also told us that his heart murmur has gotten significantly louder, but although that sounds bad, it is actually a very good thing.  As the hole in his heart gets smaller, it is harder for the blood to push through it, making a louder noise.  So, because the murmur is louder, that means his ductus arteriosus is closing.  This is great, but is only part of his heart condition.  He also has Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), which is a hole in the wall between the two bottom chambers of the heart.  I have heard different opinions of whether this hole will close on its own or not, so I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens, see how big it is, and if it begins to affect his heart or breathing.  It is a possibility that he will need surgery to close this hole. 

In other news, the nurse had him in some really cute airplane pajamas yesterday, and he looked absolutely adorable!

So peaceful.

So snuggly.

One Thankful Thanksgiving

"I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High." Psalm 7:17

This thanksgiving, I have two, yes two, children celebrating their very first Thanksgiving (and no, they are NOT twins).  Even though I realized this about a week and a half ago, this little fact still kind of blows my mind.  Just a year ago, I had no children.  And now I have two.  

And although a part of me wants to (and sometimes does...) whine and complain and cry about the fact that it's not fair that we don't get to spend this momentous occasion as a family, or that my two week old son has to spend his first Thanksgiving in intensive care, or that my daughter can't even visit her new brother (and in fact, does not even know that she has a brother), or that we are spending yet another holiday in the hospital, or that I never get any sleep, I am not going to.  Because instead of thinking of all the things about this situation that are frustrating, or "unfair," or hurtful, I choose to be thankful.  I WILL give thanks to the LORD, because we are so unbelievably blessed.

Just a year ago, I had no children.  And now I have two.  Two beautiful, amazing, strong children.  Thank you, Lord, for such wonderful gifts!

Want to know what else I have to be thankful for? Well, let me tell you...

I am thankful for my amazing, STRONG, Godly husband, who puts up with so much from me!

I am thankful for a wonderful church family, who has been a tremendous support and blessing.

I am thankful for friends and family who are willing to take care of my daughter while I spend time at the hospital.

I am thankful that my son is finally gaining weight (3 lb. 2.5 oz!).

I am thankful that my son is at the best Children's hospital in the metroplex, receiving the very best care.

I am thankful for friends who have so graciously invited us to share in their Thanksgiving dinner.

I am thankful that my recovery was quick and relatively painless, so that I am able to spend all the time I need at the hospital.

I am thankful for all the wonderful people who are following along with us on this journey (both those I know personally, and those I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting), and share their encouragement and prayers. 

I am thankful that my baby has not needed a ventilator to breathe.

I am thankful for other mothers who have so kindly shared their stories and experiences with me.

I am thankful that I live close enough to the hospital to be able to drive back and forth as I need to.

But, most of all, I am thankful for the truly amazing, and undeserved grace and mercy of my Savior, that I might have the hope and assurance of an eternity in Heaven with Him.

I am praying that you have that assurance as well, and have a wonderfully blessed and thankful Thanksgiving.

"Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done." Psalm 105:1

Day 13

Today is our son's thirteenth day in the NICU, and we finally got the results of his second head sonogram.  Fortunately, the hemorrhage has not gotten worse.  Unfortunately, it has not gotten any better, either.  It is still only on the left side of his head, and only a grade one.  So now, we give it more time, and do yet another sonogram in two weeks.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I was really hoping for slightly better news. 

But, it has not gotten worse, so for that, we are unbelievably thankful!  I know full well that God is capable of healing our son, and am praying that He does.  But I also understand that He may not heal him, and I have to be okay with that too.  I trust Him, no matter what.   

Other than the sonogram, not much has changed.  He is still on his CPAP, eating 26 ml of milk every three hours, and is breathing well on 21% oxygen.  He is, however, finally beginning to gain weight, and is now a whopping 3 pounds, 1.5 ounces.   

Thank you so much for your continued prayers!  We and our son appreciate it more than you know!

The Waiting Game

And so we wait.

Wait for the results of his second head sonogram.

Wait for the day his CPAP can be replaced with a high flow cannula.

Then, wait for the cannula to be taken out.

Wait for him to begin to learn how to eat.

Wait for the holes in his heart to close.

Wait for him to gain weight and be (hopefully) the size of a full term baby.

Wait for him to (FINALLY) come home with his family.

It's hard, this waiting game.

Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes

There was one little baby who was born at 28 weeks,

but this little baby was strong as can be.

And this little baby, as everyone knows,

had ten (very) little fingers,

and ten (very) little toes.

His mommy and daddy loved to hold him tight,
and pray for him all day and all night.

And this little baby, as everyone knows,
had ten (very) little fingers,

and ten (very) little toes. 

This same little baby continued to grow,

so that one day soon he could go home.

And this little baby, as everyone knows,
had ten (very) little fingers,

and ten (very) little toes.

 

Lookin' Good

After slowly taking my baby off several IV fluids, his blood sugar levels dropped some, and then his sodium dropped some, but as of this morning, all levels are lookin' good!  No more IV's in his bellybutton, or in his arm.  He is now just getting 26 ml of milk every three hours.

He's also a very feisty little guy.  The nurses were laughing this morning because his cry is so loud, they can hear him on the other side of the unit.  One nurse said he starting crying and they all just stopped and looked over at him smiling.

It still just blows my mind that his lungs are so strong, and he is breathing so well for a little guy his size.  God is so good! Also, his weight is now back to 2 pounds 15 ounces, and the nurse said that he will probably begin to gain consistently now.  I'm so proud of my little fighter!!  Thank you again for all the prayers and sweet messages for our little boy.  I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear your words of encouragement, and to know so many of you out there are praying.  Keep it up!

My Girl

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May. 

I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl (my girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl).

I've got so much honey the bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees. 

I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl (my girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl). 

We spent some much needed family time with my girl today.  When we got home from the hospital, it was absolutely gorgeous outside (Yay for Texas weather!) so we went for a walk with her brand new Radio Flyer wagon!  She loves it!  She plays with her toys and watches everything going on around the neighborhood.  I cannot wait until we can take it out for a spin with her baby brother!

One Strong Boy

We have one strong, fighting little boy!  We found out yesterday that he has a heart murmur, so they did an echo-cardiogram to look at his heart and determine what was causing it.  Right now he has two small holes in his heart, one of which all babies have, it just normally closes when they are born.  Because he was so early and is so small, this hole has not closed yet.  This is common in preemies, and often causes the baby's body trouble because it is sending non-oxygenated blood out to the rest of the body.  This is not causing any problems for my son (in his heart or his breathing), however, and should close on it's own within the next few weeks.  The other hole is between the two lower chambers of his heart, and is also not causing any problems, so the doctors suspect it will close on it's own as well.  It may just take a few months.

He is also now completely off IV fluids (the IV is what is in his left arm in the picture above), and eating 24 ml of milk every three hours.  They have also started fortifying my milk with certain nutrients that he would have received during the third trimester (but obviously missed out on), as well as some extra calories to help him grow and gain weight.

Right now, we just have to be patient and wait.  We will get further results on his hemorrhage next week.  Hopefully this will not cause him any problems either.  I am so proud of my strong little man! 

One Week Down...

...how many to go?  We're not sure. 

But that's ok.  We made it through the first week.

I am praying that this week was the hardest.  I'm in a constant state of exhaustion.  I'm tired of driving 30 minutes back and forth.  I miss my daughter.       

But that's ok.  We made it through the first week.

My husband has to try and make it through the workday without seeing his son.  He is up at night with our daughter because she's teething.

But that's ok.  We made it through the first week.

"I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God.  But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord, at an acceptable time; O God, in the greatness of Your lovingkindness, answer me with Your saving truth."  Psalm 69:3,13 

I'm not going to lie, this is hard.  But the God I serve is an awesome God, and bigger than any medical complications, bigger than my exhaustion, bigger than anything that life throws at us.  And I trust in His plan for our son.  He knew that he would be born last week.  He knew that he would be in the NICU.  And He knows what the outcome will be.  What other complications will my son face? I don't know, but God does.  When will we finally be able to bring him home with us? I don't know, but God does.  So I will wait as he reveals His plan in His time. 

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord;  Be strong and let your heart take courage;  Yes, wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

Quick Update

Today was a long day.  We went to the hospital in the morning, then went back home to meet some friends.  Some of our very dear friends came down from Oklahoma to visit, see our little boy, and pray with us.  It was so wonderful to see them, and to have their love and support.  After lunch, we all headed back up to the hospital to spend the afternoon.

I am continuing to take his temperature and change his diaper.

And a few times we took his CPAP out of his nose for a couple minutes, and he was breathing great without it!

He was not happy, however, that I would change his diaper and wipe him with a cold, wet wipe. 

We also got the results from his head ultrasound, and right now he has a grade I hemorrhage on the left side.  The doctors will be watching him for the next week, and as long as he is not showing signs that the bleeding is worsening (changes in blood pressure, swelling of his head), they will do another ultrasound next Monday, and then we will go from there.  Otherwise, not much has changed.  He is still breathing well on his own, and his biliruben levels had gone up a bit, but have now gone down on their own.  His weight has dropped a little, but I guess for the first week or two it is expected that it will fluctuate some.  I will feel better when he is consistently gaining weight, though, and getting big and strong!

Cluster Care

Although I certainly have not felt like there has been any sense of "routine" around here lately, my little boy is very much in a regular routine.  Everything pretty much revolves around his feeding schedule.  (Although sometimes it gets thrown off if he has a test or something done).  His schedule starts at 8, and then he gets fed every three hours, around the clock.

Because he is still trying to grow and develop, everything is very sensitive.  His nervous system is still very immature, so too much stimulation (touching, picking up, moving around, etc.) can delay his progress or cause damage down the road.  In order to minimize this, the nurses do what is called cluster care.  This means right before every feeding, the nurse opens up his bed and does whatever needs to be done all at once.  Usually this entails taking his temperature, changing his diaper, rearranging him, or rearranging cords and monitors (sometimes my poor baby gets tangled in them).  Once that's done, he's tucked back in so he can be fed and go back to sleep.  The rest of the time, he stays in his bed asleep and we and the nurses try not to disturb him.    

Now that I know his schedule, and am somewhat on the same schedule (including pumping when I would normally be feeding him), I am able to visit and help take care of everything before he gets fed.  Today I was able to take his temperature (which was right where it was supposed to be), and change a VERY poopy diaper.  It is quite a challenge to change him, because not only does he squirm (and get poop on my hand in the process, YAY!), but there are so many cords, I have to be very careful not to pull them out, or get the diaper stuck to them.  But that's ok.  I finally feel like I am able to do something (besides dropping off bags of milk), rather than feeling completely helpless.  Eventually, when I can begin holding him more to start bonding, I will be able to go in the hour before he eats and hold him, then go through the regular routine, then tuck him back in to sleep and eat.   

We did break his routine a little bit, however, to get just a few pictures.  Maybe these will help you see just how small my little guy is right now! 

 

 

Father, Son Time