Day by Day

It used to be difficult finding purpose in the day to day, mundane life of a stay at home mom.  There were so many days spent covered in spit up, picking up cheerios and cleaning dirty diapers, that it was easy to feel like I was "missing out" some how.  That I didn't have a "real" job or ministry, and therefore wasn't serving God's kingdom because, let's face it, I rarely even left the house!

But as I go through various seasons of my life I am learning (and re-learning) that it doesn't matter whether I am out working in the "real" world, or at home with the kids; out on the mission field or in the church nursery.  What God expects of me does not change.

God's word states, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31.


"...whatever you do..."  Whatever you do in your family, in your job, in your church, in the world, in public or in private, "do it ALL for the glory of God."  


All of God's actions end in HIS glory, whether it is His creation, His providence, His judgement or His mercy.  It is the same with His son, Jesus Christ.  All that Christ did and does has the glory of God as its end.  His life, His sacrifice, His suffering, death and resurrection all bring God glory.  Therefore, everything that we do, every word, every action, every deed, ought to be singularly focused.  To the glory of God alone.  


Now that I am teaching full time, I face new challenges.  New frustrations.  New discouragements.  But the reason I am there is to love my students and share Christ with them.  To honor and glorify God in how I prepare and how I teach, in how I speak and how I (try) to show patience.

No matter what situation I find myself in, or where I am working, or what I am doing, God still calls me to live and act in a way that brings Him glory.  I love the song "Do Everything" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  It is such a great reminder!  I hope you are blessed by the song and the truth of God's word today!

How God Provides

Wow, having a full time job seriously takes everything out of me, and I can never seem to find time for blogging!  It seems I have more things that I want to write about than ever, yet never have enough hours in the day, energy to write, motivation to focus, or to do lists done to get to it.

But in the craziness that has become my life these days, there is one thing that I truly want to share, and that is the many, MANY ways I have seen the Lord bless and provide for my family in the past two months.

As excited as we were to move here, and as ready as we both were for my husband to go back to school, it was somewhat a leap of faith.  We felt that this was were God was leading us, but we had never been here.  Never visited.  Never looked at apartments or seen the campus.  We had no friends or family here.  And we had no jobs.  Once we made the leap, however, we secured an apartment close enough to campus for my husband to ride a bike to school.  It was the very last apartment available in this complex.  (This meant we could sell one of our cars, and I have to say, it is pretty fantastic having only one car!).  We then waited patiently and trusted that God would continue to work out the details, and provide income as well as other odds and ends that we needed.

After moving in and trying to get settled, I was offered 4 different jobs (including some I did not even apply for!) and God made it clear where He wanted me.  As hard as it is for me to be at work, I am learning a little more each day why God has me there, and I feel incredibly blessed.

But then there are other things that God has provided, that I was not even prepared for or expecting.  For example, when we were moving in, it was just us and all our stuff in storage.  Through a mutual friend in a different state, God provided a man who grabbed a few of his friends to help us unload all our boxes, beds and washer and dryer into our new home.  At the time, it didn't even occur to me that we would need help moving in, but looking back, I have no idea how we would have done it without them.

And then, God began to provide tangible things.  Our plan was always that we would have the one car for me to drive to work, and my husband would ride a bike to campus.  Great plan, except that we didn't actually own a bike.  Well, after moving in, we mentioned the need for a bike to some new friends here, and they said, "Oh, there's a guy!  He repairs bikes, then gives them to people who need them!"  They made a call, and two weeks later, he had a bike ready!!

And then there's "The Attic".  It's a ministry on campus for seminary students and families.  People make donations (clothes, household items, furniture, TVs, etc.) and everything is organized and available for families to take for free.  So far a few of the things we have gotten at the Attic include: a microwave, a (very nice, like new) printer, a wicker basket, some dishes, two storage bins that we use for toy boxes, some clothes for the kids for winter, a couple of clothing items for me and my husband and some other odds and ends.          

In addition, God has provided the most wonderful and supportive neighbors.  Their children are all around the same ages as ours, and they love to play together.  We are greatly enjoying getting to know them, and have been blessed by them, even in our short time here.  One friend even made us dinner one night because she heard I was sick!

Honestly, I could go on and on with stories of God's provision, but I'll stop there.  I'm looking forward to sharing more of our life here, and of God's plans for our family!
 

A Little Thing Called Worry

There are a hundred things that I could find reason to worry about.  Truly.  I won't bother to make a list, so just take my word for it.  But with everything that has happened in my life in the past four years, all the plans that were turned upside down, all the uncertainties, all the what-if's, I have given up on worrying and trying to sort things out for myself.  Because I am finally learning that I cannot figure things out on my own.  I cannot make plans for the future, because I do not know what the future holds, and I cannot worry about how this or that will turn out, because God has proven time and time again that He has already worked things out.  I just have to be patient.

Christ says, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴ Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? ²⁶ Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26

He goes on to say much more, and there is a similar passage in Matthew 6, but honestly, these words of Christ can be very hard to live by.  At least, they have always been hard for me to accept and live out.  But the more curve balls God has thrown our way, the more I am learning to let go.  To stop trying to be in control and to stop worrying.  I know, of course, that talking about not worrying and actually not worrying are two very different things, but I am so thankful that God is slowly working on my heart, and bringing me to a place where I can truly rely on His sovereignty, and live a life of joy, free (or almost free) of worry.

I will leave you with a beautiful quote by Corrie Ten Boom that sums things up:

"Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear...worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

I am praying that you are not wasting precious moments of your life in a cycle of inefficient thoughts of worry and fear.  God has much bigger plans for us than that!

Boy, Did I Need to Hear This

Being home with three kids who refuse naps, all day...

Not being able to find my purse when I am trying to walk out the door to go to church...

Arguing with the internet people for the millionth time over a problem that is apparently no one's fault...

Fighting a very strong willed two year old who has decided she absolutely will NOT get in her car seat...

Walking out of Wal-Mart empty handed because I cannot find anything because the layout of the store is so completely different from any I have ever been to...

Dealing with the woman working at Sonic who got mad at me because the credit card machine wasn't working...

Hearing a woman speaking hateful gossip in the bathroom at church...

There are so many times in my life that I get upset or frustrated, whether with my kids or people I meet or interact with, and I am just OVER IT.  I get angry and frustrated.  I reach a point where any and all semblance of patience is gone, and I really think I am going to LOSE IT.

Then I read this post, Profound Typos, from The Preacher's Wife.

She was explaining how her phone auto corrects words when it thinks there is a typo.  In the midst of her frustration, she tried to type this on Twitter, "About to lose my religion with these cable people!"

Her phone, smart phone that it is, corrected her "typo" and changed it to, "About to LIVE my religion with these cable people!"

Here is what she had to say about how this "correction" affected her, and again, this was just something that I really needed to hear:

"What if, in those moments we are about to lose our religion we live it instead?  That we would get to that point of explosion and rather than vomit rage we would be a geyser of grace?  That we would lay down our pride and get over ourselves for just a minute?  Luke has been preaching a series on revival and it’s eating my lunch.  One of the big issues I have faced this year is how to guard against bitterness when my family is maligned by those who have absolutely no clue what they are talking about.  My flesh tempts me to respond in kind because I’m so over it.  OVER IT.  But Jesus has reminded me so many times in my spirit, “Forgive them, for they no not what they do.”   I have to remember that the majority of people who lash out are doing it out of their own issues and that those have nothing to do with me at all. Hurt people hurt people.  So do I hurt them back?  No.  I reach out.  I entreat.  I apologize for any real or perceived offense.  If there is no response and they continue their angry tirade?  Well, then I love them with the cross in between us.  The end."


I don't know if this resonates with anyone else, or just me, but I just had to share.  And I intend to continue to work harder at responding in GRACE and not in anger or bitterness.  To try to LIVE my faith in my frustration, rather than LOSING it.  

My Temporary Home (Literally)

A while back, before we knew exactly what God's plan for us would entail, (but feeling fairly certain that that plan would take us somewhere other than Texas), I wrote about my temporary home.  I did not necessarily want to leave my nice comfortable home, in a cozy suburb, surrounded by everything I could ever need or want.  But I was able (most of the time) to keep things in perspective knowing that God is in control, and wanting more than anything to surrender to His will and His plan.

What I did not know at the time, was that God would be calling us to New Mexico, and would provide us with quite literally a temporary home.  After my husband accepted the call to our new church, he set a start date for the beginning of December, and we decided to move our entire family later that month (after our baby girl arrived).  So of course, we began to look for a place to live.

For a while, there was really nothing available, but we weren't concerned because we still had time and assumed places would be coming available December 1st.  Well, after the first of December, my husband met with a couple people in town to officially start the search and go looking at places.  What he discovered, however, is that there is virtually no rental market in this small town.  And when homes do become available, they are pretty run down, and very overpriced.  So after driving around town and talking with several people, my husband had seen EVERY rental listed on the market.  And by that, I mean two or three homes, only one of which he was actually able to go inside and view.  

So there we were.  We were set to move our entire family of five in about a week and a half, and still had no place to live.  Now, we are not very picky, and we were certainly not looking for a mansion, but we are a family of five.  We at least needed enough space for our family!  All that was left was for us to pray.  Of course my husband kept an eye out, and continued to spread the word, but really all we could do was pray.  God had so VERY clearly called us to this place at this specific time, and had worked out every other detail, that He would not leave us without a place to live.

A day or two later, the director of missions for our local association of churches notified us that another church in town owned a parsonage that was not currently being used, and they were willing to let us rent it from them.  Talk about an answer to prayer!  It is definitely smaller than our old house, but it is everything that we need.  And the church has been incredibly gracious to let us live here, and did not even list an end date on the lease, so we are not bound to any specific time table.  We really can not even express to them how thankful and grateful we are to have a place to live!

Because this house belongs to another church, however, we know we cannot stay here forever.  They have been very kind, but they would like to have their facilities back to use as they need (for office space, or bible studies, etc.).  So we are very literally in a temporary home.  While it can be frustrating knowing this is temporary (not being able to unpack everything, not hanging pictures and making it "home"), it is also a good reminder of our temporary home here on earth.  And it has been a great reminder that ultimately, even a home is just "stuff" that I can't take to heaven with me.  Being here I have been able to recognize what we actually need versus what are just my own materialistic desires.  So for that, I am even more grateful for this house.

And so now, we have just one more hurdle, and that is to sell our home in Texas.  It is the final detail that we are praying about and waiting patiently for God to answer.  Although I am not worried, because I have no doubt that God has the perfect buyer and we will sell our home in His perfect timing, I am praying that it will be done sooner rather than later.  We are definitely hindered by having to maintain a home that we no longer live in, as I'm sure you can imagine.  But through this we are learning patience, reliance on the Lord, and to continue to trust in His plan.  He has called us here, so He will continue to work out every detail.

And until then, we will continue to live in, and be thankful for, our temporary home.          

My Temporary Home

My husband and I have been married for three and a half years.  In that short time, we have lived in a very small one bedroom apartment way out in the middle of the country in Virginia, then for a short time we would have been homeless were it not for an incredibly gracious friend and her family who allowed us to live in their basement, then we made the move out to Texas (it took four days, two cars and a large U-Haul), and lived in a modest duplex in a nice neighborhood, and now we are very fortunate to live in our first home with plenty of space for our ever growing family.

But we won't be here forever.  And honestly, we may never be as fortunate to have this much space again, simply because houses here are much MUCH cheaper than most of the rest of the country.  So I try not to get too attached.

But as my husband and I pray and patiently wait on God's direction for our family, I sometimes get frustrated that we may have to move.  And believe me, I have plenty of good reasons:  we are finally settled, we bought a house, the cost of living is good, we finally have our bedroom painted the color that I want, the schools are good, and we are close to the big city and therefore, any shopping, attractions or amenities one could possibly want.  I mean, it doesn't make any sense to try and sell our house in a terrible market, pack up our family that now consists not only of my husband and I, but also three small children (almost),  and move somewhere new again.  Right?

But the thing is, no matter how nice this house is, or how small a different house might be, or whether we are in a big city, or a small town, near the beach or in the desert, it doesn't matter.  Because no matter where we are, how long we stay or what we are doing, it's just temporary.  This life on Earth is temporary.  And we are just passing through. 

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:18

Even though I know this to be truth, does not always mean that I remember and am able to keep things in perspective.  Let's face it, change is hard!  And no one looks forward to moving, or the possibility of moving.  So one day when I was having a hard time with not wanting to move on, or leave the comfortable for the uncomfortable, and found myself suddenly afraid, unwilling (or both) to step out into the unknown, God spoke clearly and oddly enough, through a Carrie Underwood song.  You can watch the video below, but I just want to focus on the chorus:

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home." 

It's ok if I do not always feel comfortable here, because this is not my final destination!  It's ok if I'm not living in my dream home, because it's just a stop on the way to heaven.  And it's ok if we have to pick up and move again, because we're just passing through.  All that matters is that wherever I am, and whatever I'm doing, I am living for God's glory and letting the light of Christ shine through me.  And if I can stay focused and be content no matter where God calls us, and no matter where we are living, God will be glorified.  

And so if I occasionally (or quite often) need a little reminder, I just belt at the top of my lungs to my poor, unsuspecting children, quietly sing this to myself, and suddenly everything is back in perspective.  :)

A Theme

Plans do not always go according to, well, "plan."  I feel like if my life had a theme, like in a novel or a play, that's what it would be.  And being a type-A, like to be organized, like to have a "plan", like to know what lies ahead type of person, I am fully aware of the irony. 

I know I've written about this many times over.  About all the things that we've experienced in our three years of marriage so far that weren't "according to plan", all ups and downs, and all the times I had my own perfectly great and wonderful plan of my own.  The problem is, it was just that.  MY plan.  And radically different from God's plan.  And I have had to learn to remind myself that I don't want it any other way.

So apparently, this is a lesson that I am still learning, and probably will be learning for the rest of my life.

Because I do trust in God's plan.  And as I continue to see God work out, in the most tremendously amazing ways that only He can, our life circumstances and challenges, I learn and marvel all over again that God's plans are SO much better than anything I could ever map out.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  And while a few years ago, I may not have been able to see and recognize this truth in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty, the more God gently and lovingly reminds me of His promises, the more peace I am able to enjoy.  Because now I know for a fact that God will work out the details and always bring us out of the trenches.  And no matter what comes our way, I know we will be better for it.

Now, when I look back at difficult circumstances, or happenings that didn't fit into my "plan," I am able to see how incredibly amazing the Lord was to orchestrate things the way He did.  Plans that I never would have planned for myself, but have proven time and time again to work to the glory of God.  And ultimately, that's all that I want my life to be about anyway.  His Glory.

And so when things look uncertain, I can simply continue in the work that God has called me to in this season of life, because I know God already has everything figured out.  Yes, sometimes it's hard to be patient, and it's hard to not question the timing, or try and work everything out on my own, but if I stay focused on the only things that matter, God will work things out in His wonderful and perfect timing.  And so I am able to rest in the peace and assurance of that truth!

And of course, I have to remember that even once things finally work themselves out, another time will come when life doesn't go according to "plan."  Because that is apparently the theme of my life.  Now I guess all I need is a theme song!  Any suggestions? :) 

Back to Blogging-Day 3!

Today is Day 3: A Post with a title you were proud of.  Again, special thanks to the sponsors of this event:  Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances.

I'll just be honest.  I'm not a creative person, and don't think I could find a cute, catchy title in the whole existence of my blog.  But anyway, here's my post for today! :)

Originally posted October 2009:  Chasing Balls

My daughter has this wonderfully fun toy called a Busy Ball Popper.  You simply hit the button and silly (loud) songs play while the plastic balls fly out of the top, roll down the shoot, come back around and fly out of the top again.  My daughter absolutely loves it.  She watches the balls go around and come back out again, dances to the music, and loves it when she is able to start it herself.

The problem is, sometimes the balls pop out of the top a little too hard and go flying across the room.  I try to sit with her and catch them, or keep them contained with my hand, but it always seems that no matter what I do, I inevitably end up chasing balls.  They pop out and fly all over the living room, and I have to go pick them up, put them back in the toy, only to begin the process all over as soon as that little red button gets pressed...again.

Do you ever feel like life is like that?  Like no matter how hard you try to keep a handle on things, stuff just goes flying?  Like life is never quite calm and under control?  Like all your efforts to serve, obey and rely on God are fruitless, and despite your best efforts, you just end up in a vicious cycle of chasing balls?

I know I do.  I get frustrated when life doesn't go my way.  Or when God doesn't answer a prayer on my terms, in my time.  Or when I feel like I'm trying so hard to follow Christ and live the life that God wants for me, yet continue to get knocked down.  Discouraged.  Mocked.

But I continue to press on.  Because I know who I serve and to whom I belong.  And I know that in the end, that is all that matters.  That when I stand before God one day, He will be proud of the work that I did for His glory and His kingdom, and while it was certainly not perfect, He will know that I served, loved, and lived for Him with all my heart. 

Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  There are many things in this life that can cause us to lose heart: tough circumstances, losses in this world, the ungratefulness of some.  But Paul tells us we must never lose heart or grow weary, but at all times, in all seasons, continue to do good.  We have to carry on, never ceasing to do the work that God calls us to do.   "For in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  The important thing to remember is that in due time means in God's time, not mine.  God promises that we will see the fruits of our labor, but it may not necessarily be on this side of heaven.  So all we can do is persevere, be patient, and continue to do good.  Press on in what God has for us and never stop thanking Him for each and every blessing.

Are You Ready For This?

As difficult as it is, my family and I are once again facing a time of transition.  While we love our church and so very many people in our congregation, the time has come for us to move on.  This is not a decision that has been made lightly, nor is it one that was made in anger, in protest, or with selfish motives.  It is simply what is best for our family, and what is best for our church, at this time.

Of course it is difficult to say goodbye, something this church has had to do a lot here lately, unfortunately, and so there are a lot of people who are sad that we are going.  There are lots of questions, mostly to the effect of, why now, and where will you go from here?  But one question caught me a little off guard.  An incredibly sweet and compassionate woman in our congregation looked at me and said, "Are you ready for this?" 

Hmm.  Am I ready for the huge change that's coming?  Is it even possible to be ready when you don't completely know what lies ahead?  I'll be honest, I didn't really know how to answer.  Yes, I am confident that this is the right decision, and yes, I can explain why we need to leave.  But am I ready?

Was I ready to leave everything I had ever known to pick up and move to this great state of Texas, which was completely devoid of anything or anyone familiar?  Absolutely not. 

Was I ready to be pregnant with our first child, a mere 11 months after my husband and I were married?  Definitely not. 

Was I ready to give birth at only 28 weeks, and subsequently face three months of driving back and forth to the hospital to visit my son, after what had seemed like a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy?  Of course not!

And after everything we went through with my son, all the heartache and struggles and questions, was I ready to be pregnant yet again?  Not even close.

But I would not change a single one of those decisions or circumstances.  God has never failed to carry us through any trial we have faced.  And God has never failed to provide for every single need, and every single child.  Are we facing a little uncertainty?  Yes.  But we are fully trusting in the Lord's direction and excited about what the future holds.  We are excited to take a break from ministry, and we are excited to have the opportunity to find a church together, and mostly we are excited to be able to worship together.  I think this will be a great time to pray together and seek the Lord's guidance about where He would have us next.  We are in no hurry.  We are settled here, have a baby to keep inside and hopefully give birth to in late November (or early December), and a son who is still seeing several doctors here.

And so, here we go.  Are we ready for this?  Probably not.  But we're jumping in head first nonetheless!  And of course, we definitely covet your prayers during our time of uncertainty and transition.  :)

Lean Not

I am finding that all too often in my life I am questioning my circumstances.  Questioning my choices.  Questioning my life.  Asking the all too familiar, "God, why me?"  Begging for guidance.  Desperately wanting answers and a clear picture of the road ahead. 

But instead of answers and a clear picture, everything is a blur, and no matter how much I try to comprehend or attempt to cling to logic, things stay fuzzy.

Sometimes, I just can't figure out what road God is taking us down, and sometimes, even when I get answers, they are not the answers I want.  The thing is, God is not necessarily guiding me through life based on my wants, or my desires.  And He is certainly not always showing me what lies ahead anytime I want a sneak peak.  In fact, there may be things that I experience in this life that I never understand this side of heaven.  

Slowly but surely, God is teaching me about this thing called trust.  Trusting in Him and His plan, rather than searching and planning on my own.  Proverbs 3 states:

    "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And lean not on your own understanding.
    In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight." v. 5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,"  meaning trusting for His provision, His guidance, His peace, etc.  We must trust, in complete submission, in all things.  This means actually living out that trust day by day.  And part of living out that trust means NOT leaning on my own understanding.  Not leaning on my own selfish desires, or sinful nature, or inadequate knowledge of the situation.  

 

This is where the whole trust thing becomes difficult for me.  I am a very analytical person.  I have to analyze from every angle, ask every question, and then come to the most logical conclusion.  This is the exact opposite of what God wants from me, however.  He does not want me to try to sort things out on my own, apply some man-made logic, or see things as the world may see them.  No, He wants me to trust in Him and His plan, and trust that He has everything under control.  Looking to my own wisdom will only lead to failure.  Matthew Henry, in his Complete Commentary on the Whole Bible, states that "those who know themselves cannot but find their own understanding to be a broken reed, which, if they lean to, will certainly fail them.  In all our conduct we must be diffident [lacking] of our own judgment, and confident of God's wisdom, power and goodness."  

 

Not only that, but in all our ways, we must acknowledge Him.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  When the way seems easy and wonderful and blessed, we must acknowledge Him with thanksgiving, but when the way seems difficult and uncomfortable, and not at all what we had envisioned for our life, we must acknowledge Him with submission. 

 

And then?  If we trust in the Lord rather than our own understanding, and acknowledge God in all of life's ups and downs, what then?

 

"He will make your paths straight."  Whether the road ahead is clear or blurry, smooth or bumpy, winding or uncertain, the Lord will make our path straight. 

 

 

What a blessing and tremendous promise!  God will guide the path of my life, and I don't have to figure things out on my own!  I don't have to understand every detail or see the road that lies ahead.  God has a good and perfect plan for me.  So lean not, friends, on your own understanding, but put your trust in our gracious Lord and Savior.          

My, How Plans Change

I'm just going to say it.  I'm a planner.  I like to have everything figured out, mapped out and planned out.  I like to be in control.  Like to know what's going to happen, and when.  And I don't like change.  Well, you get the idea.  But it seems like no matter what plans I plan for myself, as good as they may seem to me, God has other plans.  I was not planning on living in Texas.  Ever.  But here we are.  I was not planning on getting pregnant until I was ready, in my time, but I got pregnant with my daughter after only 11 months of marriage.  Then, I was not planning on having another child for quite some time, but obviously God had other plans.  And I certainly was not planning on going into preterm labor and watching my son spend his first three months of life in a hospital NICU.  No, those were not my plans at all.  But I love it here in Texas, am absolutely CRAZY about my children, and grew closer to God during the most difficult three months of my life thus far.

And although I fully trust in God's plan, and would quite prefer it to my own, I do not always like it when I'm in the moment.  I don't always like not being able to see the end result.  I don't always like not knowing the purpose behind it, or not being able to see the big picture. 

So sometimes, the only thing I can rely on and rest in is the fact that God knows best, is in control, and has a good and righteous plan for my life.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."  Romans 8:28 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

"Also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will,"  Ephesians 1:11 

There have been so many things in my life recently that I did not plan, or honestly, could have even imagined.  Sometimes, I have been able to embrace God's plan courageously, and other times I have cried out in fear and anger.  But always, I come back to the truth of scripture and meditate on God's word.  I know that whatever God calls us to do, or whatever circumstances He brings about in our life, ultimately, it will bring Him glory.  I may not understand all the "why's" or all the "how's" or even like the road that God is taking us down at times.  But in the end, He will be glorified, and that's all that matters.  And I choose to rest in His truth, and His plan.

Endurance

These past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster.  Some days are good, some days are bad, but to be honest, recently I've had some of the hardest yet.

For some reason, even though no doctor ever gave me any indication of this, I never really thought my son would be in the hospital this long.  We've always been told, "Usually babies need to stay until around their due date."  But I have heard so many stories, and seen so many other babies come and go, that I thought, "Surely he will be coming home the first or second week of January."  On the good days, I would try to calculate the day he might be coming home.  On the bad days, I would think he wasn't making any progress at all.  But I never really thought he would be in the hospital this long.  Not really.  At first, the hope was that he would be home for Christmas.  Then, maybe by the end of the year.  Then, hoping he would be home for my birthday (January 9th).  One by one, I had to come to terms with the fact that he would not make any of these dates.

And now?  Well, now I am not even sure if he will be home by his due date (January 30th).  It's too soon to tell I suppose, but I will not be surprised if he doesn't make that date either.

But it's ok.  Because I am learning endurance.

en-dur-ance : noun; the ability or strength to continue to last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina.

James 1:3-4 states, "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  Every trial I face allows me to build endurance.  Allows me to grow closer to God, and learn greater dependence on Him.  I've known this, but as I have been studying this passage over the past few days, I'm beginning to understand it better.

I was driving home the other day, after a particularly hard night at the hospital, and I began to pray and meditate on this passage.  I was so frustrated that my son was still in the hospital, with seemingly no end in sight.  I was so tired of going through all the "what if's."  So tired of thinking he was getting closer to coming home, only to be disappointed.  Suddenly, it was as if I "got it."  I felt like God was saying, "Bethany, how can you learn endurance if you never face anything you have to endure?"  You see, I have spent so much time focusing on "when will he come home, when will he finally come home?" that I have not been fully submitting to God's timing.  I've tried, and I've prayed, but have not truly allowed myself to give all the worrying and planning over to God.  Not completely, anyway.

So how much longer will we have to endure?  I don't know.  But I have a peace in my heart that I had not fully felt before.  No more wrestling with God over what His plan is, or what I think it should be.  No more attempting to calculate when this journey will end based on my preferences and my timing.  No, just patiently enduring, waiting on the Lord.  Praising Him for this season of trial and growth, a season that I have never known before.

"He put a new song in my mouth,
   a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
   and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:3

         

The Waiting Game

And so we wait.

Wait for the results of his second head sonogram.

Wait for the day his CPAP can be replaced with a high flow cannula.

Then, wait for the cannula to be taken out.

Wait for him to begin to learn how to eat.

Wait for the holes in his heart to close.

Wait for him to gain weight and be (hopefully) the size of a full term baby.

Wait for him to (FINALLY) come home with his family.

It's hard, this waiting game.

One Week Down...

...how many to go?  We're not sure. 

But that's ok.  We made it through the first week.

I am praying that this week was the hardest.  I'm in a constant state of exhaustion.  I'm tired of driving 30 minutes back and forth.  I miss my daughter.       

But that's ok.  We made it through the first week.

My husband has to try and make it through the workday without seeing his son.  He is up at night with our daughter because she's teething.

But that's ok.  We made it through the first week.

"I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God.  But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord, at an acceptable time; O God, in the greatness of Your lovingkindness, answer me with Your saving truth."  Psalm 69:3,13 

I'm not going to lie, this is hard.  But the God I serve is an awesome God, and bigger than any medical complications, bigger than my exhaustion, bigger than anything that life throws at us.  And I trust in His plan for our son.  He knew that he would be born last week.  He knew that he would be in the NICU.  And He knows what the outcome will be.  What other complications will my son face? I don't know, but God does.  When will we finally be able to bring him home with us? I don't know, but God does.  So I will wait as he reveals His plan in His time. 

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord;  Be strong and let your heart take courage;  Yes, wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

Chasing Balls

My daughter has this wonderfully fun toy called a Busy Ball Popper.  You simply hit the button and silly (loud) songs play while the plastic balls fly out of the top, roll down the shoot, come back around and fly out of the top again.  My daughter absolutely loves it.  She watches the balls go around and come back out again, dances to the music, and loves it when she is able to start it herself.

The problem is, sometimes the balls pop out of the top a little too hard and go flying across the room.  I try to sit with her and catch them, or keep them contained with my hand, but it always seems that no matter what I do, I inevitably end up chasing balls.  They pop out and fly all over the living room, and I have to go pick them up, put them back in the toy, only to begin the process all over as soon as that little red button gets pressed...again.

Do you ever feel like life is like that?  Like no matter how hard you try to keep a handle on things, stuff just goes flying?  Like life is never quite calm and under control?  Like all your efforts to serve, obey and rely on God are fruitless, and despite your best efforts, you just end up in a vicious cycle of chasing balls?

I know I do.  I get frustrated when life doesn't go my way.  Or when God doesn't answer a prayer on my terms, in my time.  Or when I feel like I'm trying so hard to follow Christ and live the life that God wants for me, yet continue to get knocked down.  Discouraged.  Mocked.

But I continue to press on.  Because I know who I serve and to whom I belong.  And I know that in the end, that is all that matters.  That when I stand before God one day, He will be proud of the work that I did for His glory and His kingdom, and while it was certainly not perfect, He will know that I served, loved, and lived for Him with all my heart. 

Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  There are many things in this life that can cause us to lose heart: tough circumstances, losses in this world, the ungratefulness of some.  But Paul tells us we must never lose heart or grow weary, but at all times, in all seasons, continue to do good.  We have to carry on, never ceasing to do the work that God calls us to do.   "For in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  The important thing to remember is that in due time means in God's time, not mine.  God promises that we will see the fruits of our labor, but it may not necessarily be on this side of heaven.  So all we can do is persevere, be patient, and continue to do good.  Press on in what God has for us and never stop thanking Him for each and every blessing.    

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? You're running late, burn the toast, then the baby spills juice all over the floor just as you're walking out the door. Seriously? Could I please catch a break!? How do you react to these situations? Do you get angry and yell at the kids and snap at your husband? I'm sure we've all been there. But in the grand scheme of things, are these frustrations really worth getting so worked up over? No.

"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." Psalm 4:4

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil." Psalm 37:8

"For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife." Proverbs 30:33

The only thing that comes from unrighteous, uncalled for anger is sin and strife. This is not the reaction we need to have because it will only cause strife among the ones we love. If you are having a bad day, it is only bound to get worse if you allow your anger to take hold and affect other areas of your life. And then later you are sure to look back at how silly the whole event was anyway, so why not work to avoid getting upset in the first place? But of course, this is often easier said than done. So what does scripture have to say?

"The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Psalm 103:8

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Proverbs 29:11

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

While there are certainly times when anger has a place (toward sin, for example), we are to be slow to anger. Silly annoyances in everyday life are no cause for anger and lashing out. We are to instead keep ourselves under control, and always clothe ourselves in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. So the next time you get stuck in traffic and you spill your milkshake and the baby is screaming, stop, take a deep breath, and keep things in perspective. Is it really worth getting upset over? Is it really worth upsetting your child, husband, friend because you can't control yourself? Is this really going to matter 2 days from now? 2 hours from now? Probably not. And remember, only a fool gives full vent to his anger. And nobody wants to be a fool!

Wait on the Lord

"Do not hide your face from me,
Do not turn your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me, nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.
Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desires of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27: 9-14

The Art of Patience

They say patience is a virtue. Apparently it is one that eludes me. Especially at 4 o'clock in the morning, when I am staring at a screaming child who, only 3 minutes prior, was perfectly happy and content, talking and cooing to herself. You don't think less of me, do you?

Patience is a little bit of a sore subject with me. I know I struggle with a lack of patience, but I don't always like to admit it, especially to God. Because you know what happens when you start praying for patience, right? God will give you something to be patient about!

As a new mom, I am learning brand new lessons on this thing called patience. Please hear me, I am not frustrated with my daughter. She is only 5 months old. But it certainly tries a woman's patience when your beautiful new baby has finally started sleeping through the night, only to begin teething. Suddenly, I am woken up at all hours of the night, yet again, and now there is nothing I can do to make things better. She just cries and cries, but can't tell me what hurts or how I can help. And believe me, a severe lack of sleep does not do much to help with the patience factor either. It only makes an emotional woman even more emotional.

So what's a mom to do?

Pray. And then pray some more. And yes, even pray for patience.

Because no matter how hard I try, I cannot simply become a more patient person. Patience will never be something that comes naturally or easily to me. Yet, for some reason, Jesus Christ has chosen to love me and have patience with me. And if I will allow, He wants to display that never ending patience through me.

"But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:16

You see, if I was a naturally patient person, it would be no big feat if I were then patient with my daughter, or my husband, or my friends. But because this is a weakness for me, when I am able to show patience to those I love or be patient in the circumstances of my life, my actions can only point to the power of Jesus Christ. Patience is not something I am capable of in my own strength. So I can praise God and thank Him for showing a sinner like me mercy, and allowing me to display His patience. Because I surely do not have any of my own!