Lean Not

I am finding that all too often in my life I am questioning my circumstances.  Questioning my choices.  Questioning my life.  Asking the all too familiar, "God, why me?"  Begging for guidance.  Desperately wanting answers and a clear picture of the road ahead. 

But instead of answers and a clear picture, everything is a blur, and no matter how much I try to comprehend or attempt to cling to logic, things stay fuzzy.

Sometimes, I just can't figure out what road God is taking us down, and sometimes, even when I get answers, they are not the answers I want.  The thing is, God is not necessarily guiding me through life based on my wants, or my desires.  And He is certainly not always showing me what lies ahead anytime I want a sneak peak.  In fact, there may be things that I experience in this life that I never understand this side of heaven.  

Slowly but surely, God is teaching me about this thing called trust.  Trusting in Him and His plan, rather than searching and planning on my own.  Proverbs 3 states:

    "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And lean not on your own understanding.
    In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight." v. 5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,"  meaning trusting for His provision, His guidance, His peace, etc.  We must trust, in complete submission, in all things.  This means actually living out that trust day by day.  And part of living out that trust means NOT leaning on my own understanding.  Not leaning on my own selfish desires, or sinful nature, or inadequate knowledge of the situation.  

 

This is where the whole trust thing becomes difficult for me.  I am a very analytical person.  I have to analyze from every angle, ask every question, and then come to the most logical conclusion.  This is the exact opposite of what God wants from me, however.  He does not want me to try to sort things out on my own, apply some man-made logic, or see things as the world may see them.  No, He wants me to trust in Him and His plan, and trust that He has everything under control.  Looking to my own wisdom will only lead to failure.  Matthew Henry, in his Complete Commentary on the Whole Bible, states that "those who know themselves cannot but find their own understanding to be a broken reed, which, if they lean to, will certainly fail them.  In all our conduct we must be diffident [lacking] of our own judgment, and confident of God's wisdom, power and goodness."  

 

Not only that, but in all our ways, we must acknowledge Him.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  When the way seems easy and wonderful and blessed, we must acknowledge Him with thanksgiving, but when the way seems difficult and uncomfortable, and not at all what we had envisioned for our life, we must acknowledge Him with submission. 

 

And then?  If we trust in the Lord rather than our own understanding, and acknowledge God in all of life's ups and downs, what then?

 

"He will make your paths straight."  Whether the road ahead is clear or blurry, smooth or bumpy, winding or uncertain, the Lord will make our path straight. 

 

 

What a blessing and tremendous promise!  God will guide the path of my life, and I don't have to figure things out on my own!  I don't have to understand every detail or see the road that lies ahead.  God has a good and perfect plan for me.  So lean not, friends, on your own understanding, but put your trust in our gracious Lord and Savior.          

Endurance

These past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster.  Some days are good, some days are bad, but to be honest, recently I've had some of the hardest yet.

For some reason, even though no doctor ever gave me any indication of this, I never really thought my son would be in the hospital this long.  We've always been told, "Usually babies need to stay until around their due date."  But I have heard so many stories, and seen so many other babies come and go, that I thought, "Surely he will be coming home the first or second week of January."  On the good days, I would try to calculate the day he might be coming home.  On the bad days, I would think he wasn't making any progress at all.  But I never really thought he would be in the hospital this long.  Not really.  At first, the hope was that he would be home for Christmas.  Then, maybe by the end of the year.  Then, hoping he would be home for my birthday (January 9th).  One by one, I had to come to terms with the fact that he would not make any of these dates.

And now?  Well, now I am not even sure if he will be home by his due date (January 30th).  It's too soon to tell I suppose, but I will not be surprised if he doesn't make that date either.

But it's ok.  Because I am learning endurance.

en-dur-ance : noun; the ability or strength to continue to last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina.

James 1:3-4 states, "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  Every trial I face allows me to build endurance.  Allows me to grow closer to God, and learn greater dependence on Him.  I've known this, but as I have been studying this passage over the past few days, I'm beginning to understand it better.

I was driving home the other day, after a particularly hard night at the hospital, and I began to pray and meditate on this passage.  I was so frustrated that my son was still in the hospital, with seemingly no end in sight.  I was so tired of going through all the "what if's."  So tired of thinking he was getting closer to coming home, only to be disappointed.  Suddenly, it was as if I "got it."  I felt like God was saying, "Bethany, how can you learn endurance if you never face anything you have to endure?"  You see, I have spent so much time focusing on "when will he come home, when will he finally come home?" that I have not been fully submitting to God's timing.  I've tried, and I've prayed, but have not truly allowed myself to give all the worrying and planning over to God.  Not completely, anyway.

So how much longer will we have to endure?  I don't know.  But I have a peace in my heart that I had not fully felt before.  No more wrestling with God over what His plan is, or what I think it should be.  No more attempting to calculate when this journey will end based on my preferences and my timing.  No, just patiently enduring, waiting on the Lord.  Praising Him for this season of trial and growth, a season that I have never known before.

"He put a new song in my mouth,
   a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
   and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:3

         

Bring the Rain

It has been almost two months since my son was born.  54 days to be exact.  (But who's counting, right?).  And he is still in the hospital.  He still has moments when he struggles to breathe.  The holes in his heart are still open.  There are constantly ups and downs.  I have tried to stay strong and stand firm in what I KNOW is the truth:  God is in control of this situation, and will heal my son in His time.  I have tried to be patient, but I am not naturally a patient person, so this is a challenge.  I have tried, but I am not perfect.  Pretty far from it, in fact.

And so, I have had moments where I have not handled this all that well.  Thankfully, I serve a loving and forgiving God, and I am able to humbly come before Him and seek forgiveness.  Then I get up, brush myself off, and try again.  I recently came upon this quote from Brother Yun in his book, The Heavenly Man.  I have not actually read the book, but thought this was a powerful quote:
 

"We shouldn't pray for a lighter load to carry, but a stronger back to endure! Then the world will see that God is with us, empowering us to live in a way that reflects his love and power."  Brother Yun, The Heavenly Man

This challenged me.  There are days when I do not think I can endure anymore, but the Lord renews my strength.  Somehow, I make it through each day, and even during the worst days, I am still able to praise God.  But am I living in a way that others see this strength in me?  A strength that is not my own, but wholly and fully from God?  I hope so.  Yes, some days, I fail miserably.  I get frustrated, try and take matters into my own hands, act rude to the people I love.  I could go on and on, unfortunately.  But all I can do is ask for forgiveness, and start each new day afresh.  Psalm 51 states:

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
    Do not cast me away from Your presence
         And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
    Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
         And sustain me with a willing spirit.
    Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
         And sinners will be converted to You.  (v. 10-13)

My prayer each and everyday is that God would give me the strength to endure whatever comes my way in this life, and that through life's trials, people would see the amazing God that I serve.  Would see the amazing miracles that God is capable of.  Because I do not make it through each day by my own doing, in my own strength.  It is completely, 100% God.  Shortly after my son was born, I was expressing to a friend my struggles to somehow find some sort of balance in my life through all this, and she said, "Let God walk with you...no, walk FOR you."

One of my very favorite songs is Bring the Rain, by Mercy Me.  If you really hear the lyrics, it can be a hard song to sing.  A hard prayer to pray.  But if God needs me to endure trials and suffering in order that His will be done, and His name glorified, I am ready and willing.     

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me.
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days,
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm.
But instead, I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above,
Because You are much greater than my pain.
You who made a way for me
By suffering, Your destiny.
So tell me, what's a little rain?
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain 

Sometimes Life Ain't Good

There's this song, you probably know it, with the line: "God is Great, but sometimes life ain't good..."  I don't know who sings it, and I don't know the title of the song, and truth be told, I don't even really like the song.  I find the lyrics silly and well, a little asinine.  HOWEVER, I heard it on the radio this evening, and was suddenly struck with the simplistic (albeit grammatically incorrect) reality of that statement.

God IS GREAT.

In fact, God is so much more than that.  God is the author and perfecter of our salvation.  God is the beginning and the end.  He is Almighty, and omniscient.  He is father and friend, ruler of all and righteous judge.  And His strength is sufficient.  

But also, sometimes life ain't good.  

Sometimes life just explodes in our face.  Sometimes jobs are lost.  Sometimes loved ones hurt us.  Sometimes our children act like well, children.  Sometimes adults (unfortunately) act like children.  And sometimes life is not fair.  Things just do not go our way.  Plans change.

In fact, sometimes I am so frustrated with the unbelievable unfairness of things, I want to bang my head against the wall.  That's right, sometimes I feel like more would get accomplished if I threw my big head against the wall and struck it over and over.  That is just how fed up I get with life, immature people, and the utter ridiculousness of it all sometimes.

But I realize that would  not do anyone much good, particularly my poor head.  What I try to remember instead, is that God is GREAT.  God's grace and power are sufficient for me.  And that while I may not be able to change life's not so great circumstances, or change the hearts and minds of certain people, or change the immature and irresponsible behaviors of those around me, I can focus on my relationship with God.  I can choose to trust (Ps. 9:10, 28:7) in God's sovereignty, and continue to press on to the prize ahead.  I can choose to rely on God's strength alone, and pray for those who hurt me.  I can choose to stay focused on the right priorities-God's priorities.  And I can choose to believe that God will handle all things according to His will, and His purposes, in His time (Romans 8:28).   

Don't let life get you down.  Yes, sometimes life stinks.  Sometimes it's hard.  Sometimes it is downright unreasonable.  But continue to trust in God's wonderful and perfect plan.  He will not fail you.   

Chasing Balls

My daughter has this wonderfully fun toy called a Busy Ball Popper.  You simply hit the button and silly (loud) songs play while the plastic balls fly out of the top, roll down the shoot, come back around and fly out of the top again.  My daughter absolutely loves it.  She watches the balls go around and come back out again, dances to the music, and loves it when she is able to start it herself.

The problem is, sometimes the balls pop out of the top a little too hard and go flying across the room.  I try to sit with her and catch them, or keep them contained with my hand, but it always seems that no matter what I do, I inevitably end up chasing balls.  They pop out and fly all over the living room, and I have to go pick them up, put them back in the toy, only to begin the process all over as soon as that little red button gets pressed...again.

Do you ever feel like life is like that?  Like no matter how hard you try to keep a handle on things, stuff just goes flying?  Like life is never quite calm and under control?  Like all your efforts to serve, obey and rely on God are fruitless, and despite your best efforts, you just end up in a vicious cycle of chasing balls?

I know I do.  I get frustrated when life doesn't go my way.  Or when God doesn't answer a prayer on my terms, in my time.  Or when I feel like I'm trying so hard to follow Christ and live the life that God wants for me, yet continue to get knocked down.  Discouraged.  Mocked.

But I continue to press on.  Because I know who I serve and to whom I belong.  And I know that in the end, that is all that matters.  That when I stand before God one day, He will be proud of the work that I did for His glory and His kingdom, and while it was certainly not perfect, He will know that I served, loved, and lived for Him with all my heart. 

Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  There are many things in this life that can cause us to lose heart: tough circumstances, losses in this world, the ungratefulness of some.  But Paul tells us we must never lose heart or grow weary, but at all times, in all seasons, continue to do good.  We have to carry on, never ceasing to do the work that God calls us to do.   "For in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  The important thing to remember is that in due time means in God's time, not mine.  God promises that we will see the fruits of our labor, but it may not necessarily be on this side of heaven.  So all we can do is persevere, be patient, and continue to do good.  Press on in what God has for us and never stop thanking Him for each and every blessing.    

Let's be honest...

Ok, so scripture has a lot to say about jealousy. For instance: "Let us behave decently, as in the daytime...not in dissension and jealousy." Romans 13:13. Or: "You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?" 1 Corinthians 3:3. And so on and so on. So, I think it's safe to say that jealousy is not really seen as an admirable character trait, or something the godly, mature Christian is aspiring to. But does it always have to be an emotion worthy of condemnation?

Because let's be honest...sometimes I get jealous.

But not in a oh-my-gosh-that's-so-not-fair-that-I-can't-have-what-you-have kind of way. No, I don't ever get jealous like that. (Well, at least that's not what I'm talking about tonight...I am human, after all). But, surely I can be jealous in a righteous, Christian, I'm-so-proud-of-what-you're-doing-and-wish-I-could-do-it-too, kind of way, right? Maybe?

Because if I am totally, completely, from the bottom of my heart, honest today, I would have to say that I am struggling with jealousy.

In the past few days, some dear friends of ours packed their bags/tubs/backpacks, boarded a plane, flew to Nicaragua, and then proceeded to get settled in for their new life in the heart of Central America. Let me be clear: they not only flew to Nicaragua, they moved there. To live. To serve. To love. And yes, suffice it to say, I am just the tiniest bit jealous. Ok, maybe more than a tiny bit. Because as much as I love Texas (like Texas?), Nicaragua is where my heart is. I was admiring their recently updated photos tonight and found myself pining for the beauty of the beaches, the hustle and bustle of the city, and the take-your-breath-away (due in part to the gushing sulfur pouring out of its mouth and into your lungs) volcanoes. Ah, how I wish I was there.

I mean, look at that view!

Isn't it beautiful?

Such sweet children, ready and willing to serve the Lord. What a precious sight!

Sigh. Oh well. I guess for tonight I will just have to pray for forgiveness of my jealous heart, and for the protection and provision of my friends. And, of course, begin the countdown until I get to visit and share in everything they are accomplishing!

Wait on the Lord

"Do not hide your face from me,
Do not turn your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me, nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.
Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desires of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27: 9-14